PBR Sweatshirt

I was with Nate that summer.  The summer after my senior year of college.  I slacked off a bit and changed my major so I had one extra summer before I had to start "real" life.  The life that involves a real career, and involves living off a paycheck not student loans.  Anyways I worked at an aerial  ropes course.  And when I wasn't working on the course I was at the beach, working on a tan, swimming, or trying to surf.  I kept a bikini in the back of my 1995 jeep at all times.  I had a crusty, sandy beach towel, and a stack of old and new CDs.  Nate would ride in my car and we would sing Modest Mouse, and he would drink capri-suns.  We worked together at the ropes course, so sometimes we sped to work together.  He'd always have a silly hat on and a sunburned face.  There wasn't much about him that stood out.  Honestly, he had little going on with him at all.  He was 21 and really didn't have a plan for his life.   He knew two things: he liked to surf, and sleep.  He wasn't the most good looking guy.  But he drew me in because he was mysterious and kind of sad.  He didn't pay much attention to anyone.  I started to test the waters, casually overhearing conversations about him.  I would eat lunch when he did, or ask him the really unoriginal questions like how is work.  One time I asked if we would ride together to get sushi with a friend.  He agreed, we met in the parking lot of the local Belk store.  On the way home, I parked the car.  We just talked.  I could tell he didn't want to leave.  I don't know why I liked him.  I still don't really.  He was cute, but I may have just like him because he was a challenge.  That is a really dumb reason to like someone, trust me I know.  I guess I never sat down and truly asked myself, why him?  Another reason I liked him was because he was a "beach" guy.  I was in the cliche of girls that like the surfer boy with no ambition, that has some life philosophy about being free and not conforming.  Nate was kind of an ass-hole.  He would say shit just to keep me hanging on.  "I really want to be with you, but I need lots of time alone."  "I am an ass-hole, but I like you." There was always a "but" involved.  He used to make me so angry too, because he never gave straight answers.  So we would end up having the same conversations over and over.  We never got anywhere.  So anyone that is actually reading this can tell this relationship ends.  And they would be correct.  I was so fed up with his crooked answers and indifference.  He didn't want to break up with me, but he didn't want to be with me either.  I still don't know how that is.  I tried my hardest to make him break-up with me.   I wanted him to actually care enough to end a relationship.  He never did.  I broke up with myself.  It seems silly now, but Nate broke my heart.  Not like a life changing heart break, but one that sucks really bad.
I made some pretty good friends that summer, one being Sarah.  Sometimes friendships start when a relationship ends.  When Nate and I started to fight, I'd talk to Sarah.  Usually it was nighttime on the beach.  We'd talk about anything.  We got really close, I felt happier with her.  I remember we took a drive one night to see Nate.   She drove me to his house.  We even parked outside of his house.  But it was a beautiful night, and if I talked to him it would all be ruined.  The weather didn't match the climate between me and Nate.  I said fuck it.  Me and Sarah drove around some more.  She didn't judge me for showing up at Nate's and leaving, even though I was being a coward about it.  She showed me things about her past.  We pulled over on the side of the road.  She showed me where her ex boyfriend asked her to prom.  It was nice to think about her life instead of my crappy relationship.  We were quiet when we were driving.  We both had things on our minds I guess.  She drove a convertible, so we could see the stars above us.  Its funny looking back at the moment, because now I know her so much better. We weren't strangers then, but compared to how we are now, we might as well have been.
Everyone I worked with was wonderful. We all liked good company, exercise, food, beer, and summer.   I wish the summer didn't have to end.  I really left a good thing, but it all ended.   That's how it is in a place that runs based on the tourism of summer.  I still keep in touch with a few people, Sarah included, but not the surfer guy Nate.  He later started dating a girl that we worked with the past summer.  She was the dancer, very skinny and toned.  It's annoying when your ex starts dating anyone, especially when you still have feelings for that person.  It also hurts when you are the one "replaced".  You start asking, "why her?"  He didn't want to be with me; she must be better.  The whole thing is pathetic.  I mean really, am I twelve?  But I did/do entertain those questions, which lead to insecurities and a bunch of starring at her instagram filled with pictures in bikinis.  I picture her in his sweatshirts as they drive to the beach to surf.  His stupid PBR sweatshirt.  Fuck him.   Just writing this down evokes more jealousy in me.
Here's the shit that bothers me.  He still erks me.  Not many people make me this annoyed.  I mean I haven't seen him in over year.   This is ridiculous.  All memories surrounding Nate are green with envy, bright, glowing green.

Red Lips

Well, here I am on the last night before the last exam of my undergraduate degree, thinking of a small diner.  I sit there with my hair in an up-do.  Fancy makeup, high heels, and a kick ass body.  Lips are soft and dark as they leave mark on the white tea cup.  I don't know why I am dressed this way.  All done up.  If looks told stories, I'd tell one of lies.  I look like a perfectly kept mansion.  I feel like a slum house.  All is a mask.  I don't know who I am with at the diner.  But whoever it is, I'm sorry.  I don't know what I want, who I want, or where I am going.  Im just a mess in disguise.  I want to be better than all this.  My sickness and sadness are covering me.  I can't wait to get out of here.  I'm scared leaving won't make a difference.  What's next?  Will I ever be that beautiful girl in the diner?  Everything is changing.  But I'm more broken than ever.  I was supposed to be her. My expectations were unreal before.  Now what I have become is inadequate. 

Stay and lie

I'm so tired of being called beautiful and amazing and talented.  Why would you leave me then?  Please spare me the thought of you believing I'm something special.  Instead be honest with yourself and me.  Don't just say things to make me stay or to win the girl.  Don't leave me and come back.  If I wasn't enough for you to stay, then I'm not enough for you to come back. Then you change your mind.   You want me now.  And I'm still a mess, trying to pick myself up.  It's not the same.  I didn't make it hard, you just needed to stay.  Everything you said about how great and perfect I was means nothing now.  This could have been special and real. You decided to leave me.

 I was all broken then, now I'm better.  I can tell I wasn't seeing you clearly.  I was dreaming of a happy ending.  Reality comes seeping in, as it always does.  My eyes are kept open.  I'm no longer in a dream.  Wide awake, I can see you clearly now.  I'm trying to scrape off the images of us. You know when you held onto me so gently that letting go of me was simple.  You barely left a fingerprint. What a skill you have of stringing me along.  It seems your goal was to never make me feel satisfied and to not let me leave. You did just enough to keep me in the middle. Oh no, did you get off balance? Did the scale tip too far? If you ever could give a straight answer maybe I'd ask you. All I know is I'm here writing down all this, and you are in bed probably distanced from the memories of me, the girl you called perfect and amazing and talented. The same girl you left and came back for. I'm still the same the girl, maybe just a little better off. You didn't stay, neither did I. 

Live nursing

In nursing school I find that the things I love are similar to things that my class mates love. Academically we are in the same boat. We have the same clinical experience for the most part. Personality wise we are very different. I bring some good aspects to the table. I think it has little to do with skill and technique as a new nurse. It's more than that. It's how you look at a human being and a sick human being at that. How you respond. What's your initial reaction? What's in your heart about the sick? Do you blame it on lifestyle or ignorance? How can you, as a person, empathize with this person in front of you? I think I've realized that I can do that. I may not always get the nursing diagnosis right, but I genuinely care for that person.

One of the many things I love about nursing is we get to see all types of people. Disease doesn't discriminate. In other jobs I've worked at you see the same type of person or family. As nurses we get to see society, and not just a part. Yes we may see more of one part due to risk factors and such, but we take the drape down and see people, of all types, vulnerable in similar situations. We get to see humanity at the core. And I hope we treat everyone the same. 

I am Saul

I'm trying to repent. I am Saul with the Amalekites. I have disobeyed God. I put romantic love over his commands. "For rebellion is like the sin divination and arrogance like the evil of idolatry." I have rebelled against God. I said to Him, I will date a non-Christian.  I tried to rationalize and bargain. God doesn't want my sacrifices and bargains, He just wants me to follow his commands. It's true, He still loves me.  It's true that I could never measure up to deserve to be His daughter. Everything may be permissible, but not everything is beneficial. I didn't do any good as I disobeyed God. Now I am hurt. How blessed I am to be here with God. My whole life He has been rescuing me, bringing me back to Himself. How can I possibly be so lucky? 

Mailboxes

So it's really over this time. There's not much to say.  There's nothing to figure out.  The envelope is sealed.  I dropped you off into the mailbox and walked away.  You'll sit there with all the other mail I've given up.  You'll be about your life.  All I'll have of you are the memories that are tucked and contained in the confines of an envelope.  There are things I'll miss. There are things I'll regret and lose sleep over.  Ill wonder how your sleeping and if you've been happy.  I'll close my eyes and imagine your face.  But I'll end each thought with how you care more about yourself than me and how your words didn't have meaning.  I'll remember how I felt when you'd leave me and never look back.  When relationships end I feel my chest tighten and I wonder if I could feel as strongly for anyone else.  I feel jealous of all the other girls that will be with you.   I worry about how this disappointment will affect future relationships.  You may forget about me.  You might see me and feel nothing.  I'll have to accept that, and accept that for whatever reason you didn't want me.  I will have to adjust once again, setting my mind on myself.  I'll be trying to sort through all the things I was probably running from when I met you.  Here again I am alone.  I'm just walking, no mail in my hand, no hand to hold.

some good things in a sea of mistakes

Leanne, I like you because you're an honest, genuine person. You're smart, beautiful, hilarious, talented, and just pretty much all around amazing. 

Mmk Nate so, I like you because you use your words sparingly.  It makes me feel important to hear from you. You have very pretty eyes. I like your frame and how I can see your ribs. And your small hands. You're a protector and you value honor.  You are different. And you're generally okay with that.  I'm not looking for the perfect guy or someone who has it all together.  I like that you don't listen to stupid music.  I feel like I can be myself around you. 

Leanne, your face you make when your confused is cute as hell. I like hearing all your facts that you say when I do something dumb or just randomly, even though I don't always listen to that advice.