could be said

July 22 2013
Old stuff. I like it though.

I'm not going to say that I like you. Because I don't know you enough to tell.  And I'm not going to say it's practical or that it makes sense, but I've been in this situation before. I didn't say how I felt because I thought there's no way that it would work. Now I regret it, and I wish I'd have said what I thought. Because maybe I was worth it, and maybe these things aren't supposed to make sense or be practical. And if you don't agree, my night won't be ruined. But I've always had a little crush on you. Maybe it's because your older, or my sister talks about what a solid guy you are. I really don't know, but I liked being with you, and I'd like to do that again.

Goals are good.

It isn't quite new years yet, but it's time for some good ole fashion goal setting.  After a break up you start thinking about what you really want and who you really are. You start pondering the universe and being more critical at the mirror.  Questioning every move you make and replaying certain parts. And well with all that going on it's a wonder I have time to write at all.  But alas, I am here again after a long break.  Well, well.
Goals. Here we go.
Run the Krispy Kreme Challenge: It isn't too far fetched.  I definitely need a lot of work to run 5 miles and eat a dozen doughnuts in 1 hour.  I have been running three times a week. I run about three or so miles three times a week.  I need to speed up my pace, but I have till February 8th.  Heres to running and barfing all in a hour.
Two A's: Nursing school isn't easy yall.  I really have to work hard, but I want two A's again.  It's doable. I know I have an A in at least one class. I just need one more.
Travel for the summer: I am not sure where I am going. But I want to go somewhere. I hope it is out of the country!
Certified Nursing Assistant test: I really need to take the CNA test.  I'd like to take the exam and get a CNA job for the summer.  This would mean I get some experience, money, and network.

Whew.. that is a lot to do...

bon iver.

 "‘Towers’ is the name of the dormitory that I lived in in college; it’s made up of these two towers – North and South – my girlfriend lived in one and I lived in the other. It’s about falling in love, but also about what happens when you’ve long fallen out of love and those reminders are still there. You drive by them, these two buildings, and you look, and you realize that we really built that up. That we really built that love into these things, and for a long time afterward looking at them really made me feel sad; to see these empty buildings that I don’t go in to anymore. But then, as time goes on, they start to become kind of joyous in their own way: you can look at them and think ‘that love was great and these buildings still stand tall’. But there’s also an element of the fact that they’re just buildings – they’re gonna fall down one day, and they’re not that important because there’s new love in your life and you’ve got to break things down that get built up." - Bon Iver

Mistakes, we make them.

"I have made mistakes, I continue to make them
the promises I've made, I continue to break them
and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them
but nothing is a waste if you learn from it"
-The Oh Hellos 

He is handsome, genuine, and thoughtful. But he is still broken.  Living in the sin that I rest in as well. Now we share the same burden together. Those wooden boards will always smell of chardonnay and salty sound water.  I'll remember how he said my skin was soft and how his hands stroke my back as I rested against his arms.  The neighbors were gone, but my feelings weren't.  Silly little crushes that can expand and do damage in my stern chest.
Hello again my heart, whether it was him or the regret I feel, at least you are awake. My dear old heart, I'll try to protect you next time around.  But my promises will break and so will you my heart. I must find the answers dear old heart. Be ready and free.

believe

Believing isn't the easiest thing to do anymore.  There is always another "truth" idea.  I am not my innocent self any longer. I strive for more than what my parents have.  I want answers that are more than sentences. I want reason, truth, and reality.  I wish answers to important questions came with a flick of a switch or pressure on a button. Overwhelming are the questions I can't answer.  I am still looking for more things to believe. There must be something I am missing.
Without certainty my life isn't complete. I have to find out where I want to be and with Whom. Who is this God I hear so much about? He must me close because I feel him on occasion. Why is He hard to find here. I obey his commands, but now I am uncertain of why that is.  I know that I want to love others and serve others. I'll commit my life to it, but why? Is it because I love a Father in heaven, or because humanity is decent. There is not a doubt in my mind that there is a being beyond be. But am I serving Him? What am I doing theses actions for? What guides my motives?
I want see something unbelievable. Maybe if I see something I can't fathom it will connect me with the faith I need to figure out who I am supposed to serve; right now I am not sure why I do the things I do.  Do my morals guide me?  If so where did the morals come from? Is it possible that my motives are instilled by our Creator?
So many questions. I just want to see something unbelievable. I am scared that I am blind to all the miracles that surround me. Is my heart too hard?
I love others but I don't know why?

How Fickle

The sad thing about us humans is how incredibly fickle we are.  It is not just that we don't have the capacity to understand our own world and the God that governs it, but we also forget things. We forget the amazing sacrifice our Lord has so freely given us.  It is rare for a Christian to deliberately disobey God and not follow his commands, it is that we simply forget Him.  Our minds become cluttered and we push out the Gospel, the Truth, the Light, and the Way.  I don't understand it all. Really, how is my mind so fickle. It makes me sad that I forget the gospel, and I have to hear it over and over to do as God commands.  But I am so blessed to have it repeated to me all the time, to have a community that exemplifies it for each other.  One day I won't ever forget you Lord. Instead I will be with you and I will worship you all of the days we spend together.

Oh me.

The hardest part about all of it is the watch. The man of my dreams will one day be in glancing view.  The problem that taunts me is I'll never know when that day or glance will be, or if it already happend.  I can say that I am not looking, but that will only happen when I go blind.  My intention when I meet a guy is not to marry him, but I still have the intention of marrying some man.  I realize that I, by no means, need a male or husband to make my life meaningful and wonderful. I already have a Savior who will do that for me.  However, I am full of passions for a family and a husband.
It is quite intriguing, the whole situation of dating and marriage.  It's terrifying and hurtful as well.  Sometimes when you really sit and think about the things of this Earth it is so silly and trifling.  Maybe it is because I realize I have eternity to dance and sing to my Father. I can learn so many new things in the promise land, and speak more languages than I even know about.  But here I am concerned about a husband and a future.  Oh me.
I digress, so I often think that maybe my future husband vacations where I live now.  It's funny how little romantic stories play out in my imagination.  Silly and so small, but entertaining.  I'm even smiling now thinking of the little imaginary instances of how I'll meet him.  He throws a football it lands near my towel as I am laying and reading a book of sort.  Maybe we talk, and go for a swim or a walk, and the rest is history, or maybe I should say future.  But these are only intangible ideas, thoughts that lead to nothing more than a slight change in mood.
Maybe I'd be better off not day dreaming anymore, or maybe not.  But there really isn't anyway to defeat the watching and anticipation.  I'll be waiting, I hope he is waiting too.

Olivia

Pretty girl, I wish I could show you how everyone else sees you
How they never see all the flaws that cover your mirror
They don't know the number on your scale
All the failed attempts you dwell on aren't so apparent to them
they don't see the scars you try so hard to forget
If only you saw yourself through these eyes
My beautiful girl

days

I haven't written in awhile.   I keep saying I don't have time or anything interesting to contribute right now.  I kept putting my writing off because I was pausing my life for school.  I'm not making the grades I want to, so I figured I could give more and more of myself and life to school to improve them.  But I think what I need is a step back.  This is life too.
I made a C, the first one in college.  It sucked.  I'm not going to say that I didn't cry because I did.  I was below average, and guess what! The world didn't spin off orbit, and I didn't miraculously stop breathing, my parents didn't disown me. Nope life is the same, I am breathing, and the world seems okay to me, and my parents still love me.  Grades don't define me anymore.  I am not a great student anymore, but more importantly I am still a daughter of Christ.  I am still relevant as a C student.
I think I need to focus on a balance these days.  School can get really tiring.

Remember

December 29th

I just want to remember that at this moment I am happy. I have a purpose. I have a savior, and I am completely in love with Him.
I will never be the way I was as a lost, dead woman. No matter how much I screw up, I am loved! I am the younger son, I was lost and now I am found.

Exploding Colors

I was taking a power nap after four hours of labs, when I had a dream that I remembered -- which is quite a rarity in my life. I woke up shaking, and pleasantly enlightened. I never know where dreams actually start, but I first remember the roads of the city being flooded, and the bridge to my town completely underwater.  I was a child of about four years old in my mom's arms, we got on a boat in order to get back to our home.  As we passed I saw a couple that I rarely spoke too, and they were sinking. But they weren't sad, they were young and laughing and smiling. As we passed them, the wife told me, "Please don't live your life as if you're not alive."  I said, "I'll do my best."  We made it to the dry land and started driving down the one-lane cause-way.  As we drove, the things I saw were vibrant and fleeting.  First we passed blue, and I saw things from my early childhood. Everything a shade of blue. Then we were out of that part of life, and everything was exploding behind us. It wasn't sad, it was brilliant and beautiful. Then came green and there was all the important things of my preteen years, there and then exploding.  Then we passed yellow, it was still beautiful.  Everything of high-school years exploded behind us. Then I woke up.

I don't really think I have the capacity to understand dreams.  But this once, what I saw was simple so I think I can point that out.  Basically, a realization that moments pass, and we can't get them back. It's like all the things in our life are always exploding as time passes.  We can't get those times again, see those things again, feel as we do in each of those moments again, or be the person we were. But some advice is don't forget that you are living, that life is precious and fast, and it's worth making the most of it.

My Father

My Father in heaven is more than
a career
an education
comfort
money
a husband
my family
my understanding
my goals
my dreams
for He is so much more than me.

Masterpieces

January 5th
I hardly believe how the Spirit sends chills all around my body. It reaches my toes in combat boots in a hot room, so close to the people next to me our shoulders are touching.  My body is acting as if its cold, leaving the hairs on my arms and legs raised.  But I am not cold, maybe fear is sneaking around sending signals and mechanisms commanding the chills. Like the fear of the words and truth being spoken is changing the paradigms I know too well.  Change is scary.  I fear it, the words of the Gospel turning the world upside down.
 Tonight in my presence I am witnessing God's army at work.  We sit together learning and preparing for so much more than we could ever imagine. (Habakkuk 1:5). That God has designed each of us for a purpose so beyond all of comparison to one another.  Each moment in our life He is building a masterful statue. From where we stand nothing makes sense, until the Lord himself smoothes the crevices creating a craft so pleasing to His eyes, even we cannot complain.  Let these little minds understand this, and let our lives reflect our comprehension.  We are rising from the ashes of our old disgusting self as new creations dancing and happy.  We see this perfectly in our life masterpiece God is crafting together with unlikely materials.  He paints with the precious blood of Christ. We become something special to God, because we are becoming like his only Son.  The blood that runs through us is shifting to something new, and it breaks through our heart of stone and it is shattering and is slowly replaced by a new live one. And Jesus's blood fills us. Then we can experience who we were meant to be whole, and happy, and real.  What a wonderful masterpiece God is making.

Habakkuk 1:5
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.