bon iver.

 "‘Towers’ is the name of the dormitory that I lived in in college; it’s made up of these two towers – North and South – my girlfriend lived in one and I lived in the other. It’s about falling in love, but also about what happens when you’ve long fallen out of love and those reminders are still there. You drive by them, these two buildings, and you look, and you realize that we really built that up. That we really built that love into these things, and for a long time afterward looking at them really made me feel sad; to see these empty buildings that I don’t go in to anymore. But then, as time goes on, they start to become kind of joyous in their own way: you can look at them and think ‘that love was great and these buildings still stand tall’. But there’s also an element of the fact that they’re just buildings – they’re gonna fall down one day, and they’re not that important because there’s new love in your life and you’ve got to break things down that get built up." - Bon Iver

Mistakes, we make them.

"I have made mistakes, I continue to make them
the promises I've made, I continue to break them
and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them
but nothing is a waste if you learn from it"
-The Oh Hellos 

He is handsome, genuine, and thoughtful. But he is still broken.  Living in the sin that I rest in as well. Now we share the same burden together. Those wooden boards will always smell of chardonnay and salty sound water.  I'll remember how he said my skin was soft and how his hands stroke my back as I rested against his arms.  The neighbors were gone, but my feelings weren't.  Silly little crushes that can expand and do damage in my stern chest.
Hello again my heart, whether it was him or the regret I feel, at least you are awake. My dear old heart, I'll try to protect you next time around.  But my promises will break and so will you my heart. I must find the answers dear old heart. Be ready and free.

believe

Believing isn't the easiest thing to do anymore.  There is always another "truth" idea.  I am not my innocent self any longer. I strive for more than what my parents have.  I want answers that are more than sentences. I want reason, truth, and reality.  I wish answers to important questions came with a flick of a switch or pressure on a button. Overwhelming are the questions I can't answer.  I am still looking for more things to believe. There must be something I am missing.
Without certainty my life isn't complete. I have to find out where I want to be and with Whom. Who is this God I hear so much about? He must me close because I feel him on occasion. Why is He hard to find here. I obey his commands, but now I am uncertain of why that is.  I know that I want to love others and serve others. I'll commit my life to it, but why? Is it because I love a Father in heaven, or because humanity is decent. There is not a doubt in my mind that there is a being beyond be. But am I serving Him? What am I doing theses actions for? What guides my motives?
I want see something unbelievable. Maybe if I see something I can't fathom it will connect me with the faith I need to figure out who I am supposed to serve; right now I am not sure why I do the things I do.  Do my morals guide me?  If so where did the morals come from? Is it possible that my motives are instilled by our Creator?
So many questions. I just want to see something unbelievable. I am scared that I am blind to all the miracles that surround me. Is my heart too hard?
I love others but I don't know why?